The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
