I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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