apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
