Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
