I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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