There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
