1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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