im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
