I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
