how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he fucked my hip out of place.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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