She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
