I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
