At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
