Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
