My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
