Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
