So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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