he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
