Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
