He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
