Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
