it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
soo... how was my night?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
