I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
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I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
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She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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