wanna go halves on a baby?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
