In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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