i jhust puked up my retainher.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
