cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
