I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
