a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
barbara walters just said penis...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
