and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
