Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
