I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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