how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
