I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?