Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
