the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
