I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
