There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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