I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
