ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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