she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
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I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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