are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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