I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
