i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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