I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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