also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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