Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
