Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
