R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my shit smells like andre
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
