i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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