We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
