Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
