This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
