Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
