If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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