I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
