got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
