Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
