I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
