first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
