I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
