i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
