no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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